


I've Gotta Be Honest

by intoashipor2



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bucky Barnes Deserved Better, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Feels, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurts So Good, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, So does Steve, anyway I love bucky, i really just took this prompt and threw it up, i ship stucky but you probably can't tell, it was beta'd though, maybe Endgame-continuity, not non-canon, possibly Endgame compliant, steve really loves bucky huh, they only had thirteen days together after The Blip, this is not a nice story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25374598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intoashipor2/pseuds/intoashipor2
Summary: This is what Bucky says in conversation (consternation) when he finally gets to talk to Steve after Sam gets the shield and Steve says, "No, I don't think I will," and just generally makes a mess.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 12
Kudos: 39
Collections: Quote Prompt Memes





	I've Gotta Be Honest

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [quoteonlyprompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/quoteonlyprompts) collection. 



> Was looking for inspiration to write and when I saw that prompt I couldn't scroll past without writing this...sorry in advance
> 
> What do you guys think the prompt was that I fulfilled from that challenge? Leave your guesses down below!

Bucky hangs back, watching Sam and Steve. He’s not surprised but it doesn’t mean there’s no shock. Of course he would go see her, it’s a once-in-the-history-of-existence chance to do-over all those years. To never go in the ice, to marry and raise a family, to not miss that fucking date.

Before he knows it, Bucky’s seeing red, red as the dress Peggy wore the night Steve decided she was the one, red as the lipstick that was her trademark. A lot has happened in the few days since The Snap was undone and even though he didn’t feel the passage of time it sure feels like there’s a lot to catch up on. Falling through the millions of thoughts and roiling emotions in his mind and heart, Bucky desperately latches onto one thing as Sam approaches him, leaving Steve on the bench waiting patiently. Defeat.

_Conquered, gotten the better of, clobbered, overpowered, loss._  
_Tiredness._  
_Loss._

Just like that his mind is quiet. All Bucky hears is the earth under his feet and the words looping in his head. _Defeat. Loss. Defeat. Loss_. All he feels is that same wanting and waning, the pulling and pining, the one that kept him warm at night when he was away from Steve during the war, coated in a cool blanket of defeat, loss, defeat, loss.

“Hey, Buck.” It’s the same Steve, of course it’s the same Steve – his Steve – but it can’t be. Surely his Steve wouldn’t return like this, so much older, promising Bucky a world where he’d really have to live without Steve – no lucky saves, no scientific miracles, no cheating death one last time.  
He can’t look. Bucky stares straight ahead out at the water as he takes a seat on the end of the bench, as far from Steve as he can be without falling off.  
“Bucky? It’s me.”  
“I know it’s you,” Bucky bites back. Deep breath. Then again, “I know it’s you. It’s just a lot to take in.”  
“I know. Hey, listen I’m s–” Steve stops, cut short by the slow movement of Bucky’s head, his eyes, to look into Steve’s. They’re stormy gray, and filled to the brim. “Buck…”  
Bucky shakes his head.  
“It’s too much.” The pathetic tone of his own voice spurs Bucky on and dials up the intensity of his words. “I want to say I waited too long but I didn’t, really. When you think about everything that happened, before the war, during the war, before us in the ice and right up to now even – I thought it was obvious.” He speaks to the dirt, tearing his gaze away. “Steve, I thought you knew.”

Steve looks stunned, and he stays quiet. For a moment, Bucky worries he’s gone too far and sent this old Steve into cardiac arrest. His mind zooms back to those cold winter nights as teens in their draughty apartment and instinct kicks in, he’s up and reaching for Steve’s shoulder and chest before he even knows what he’s doing and then–

“Buck,” Steve breathes. “We couldn’t.” It makes perfect sense and Bucky knows this, they couldn’t have been happy the way they wanted in 1940s Brooklyn but it doesn’t ease the pain. Steve’s fingers hold a tight grip on Bucky’s jacket and they’re both standing, suddenly Bucky jerks back. “I loved you then, but we couldn’t.  
But I love you now.”

“No, you didn’t. You don’t get to say that now.”

“I did, I do Bucky, I swear it.” Steve is taking one step toward Bucky for every step Bucky takes back, “And now there’s nothing, no one in our way.”

Splash. A foot in the water. Bucky’s retreated all the way into the lake, both feet submerged. The air feels thin, his chest closed. Bucky can’t breathe. Steve stands on the rocks and now he’s back in their apartment seeing Bucky out of breath with panic and worry. “Hey hey hey, hang on–”

“Stop. I don’t want to love you.” Everything freezes. Bucky plows on before he loses his nerve. “I really don’t.” This time he knows the shock on Steve’s face isn’t cardiac arrest or death in his body, but the death of an ideal that lasted 80-something years.  
“...Bucky?” Steve says, like he’s seen a ghost wearing his oldest friend’s face. Like he’s seeing decades of longing and pain right before his eyes.

“You chose, Steve. You chose your peace. I’m choosing mine.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading my first ever published work!!  
> extra BIG shoutout to my lovely Instagram buddy Liv for being the first one to ever beta anything i've written (and this is my first upload to Ao3) so if this sucks or hurts too much you can blame her hahahaha kidding enjoy the angst leave comments & kudos thank you for reading!


End file.
